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Beautiful. You hit so many good points. I really like the point about being present--that tied everything together.

I would love to know more about this please 🙏🏾❤

I am actively going through this... I have these moments so often of wanting to leave him then almost immediately want to never lose him. He trys his best to fight for me and help me sometimes I think he's the best person ever for me because I can't imagine anyone else helping me through what I go through like he does... but I also have anger issues and am easily triggered so there are times we argue very very often because of my stubbornness. But Im watching videos in hope for some clarity and peace from fighting with myself non stop on the confusion of this relationship that is literally driving myself insane. And this video was exactly what I need to come to a steady place of mind and surprisingly feel more love towards myself and lightness . Thankyou

DAMN Called me out from the start 💀

thank you ! this is good input in this hard self study

Not just emotionally unavailable, but unavailable in general. Authority figures, married men, long distance, etc

The thing about work 😂😂😂 that's why I have my own business and work on my own 😂😂😂😂 I can work here and there and put the appointments when I want and how many I want 😂😂😂😂

This hits home twice, with me even though in a less extent now, and with my FA ex, in a much bigger extent...if he woke up and wasn't feeling good, he cancelled plans for dinner and isolated all day in the house. And no matter how many times I told him I was there for him and wasn't scared of his darkness, he couldn't accept the help or support. I've always felt loneliness and a void inside (having no friends or having best friends moving away and kinda abandoning me was a big component in creating this during childhood), I have meaningful friendships now but they live far away. In the past few years (from Covid expecially) it doesn't bother me a lot, sometimes in the evening I feel it and become sad. Then I met my FA ex and I found the person I was searching for since childhood and after he broke up all the loneliness has come back and doesn't want to go away, even when I'm with close people

Gosh, it sounds like my FA ex 😢 and I have a feeling (from many evidence) that a part of him regrets being stuck there but he doesn't know how to exit that situation, how to fix it (he still lives there), so he has given up on having a life to please his parents 😢

I was just talking about this yesterday in a webinar about the emotional processing tool...My mind understand what I write, all the steps of this tool but still my body can't and I can't regulate. Tapping helps a lot, I did 40 mins earlier and I feel much better

My gf is FA and she had the relationship perfectionism. She had a idea of ideal man (modelled after her father and a narcissistic ex) and I she refused to accept me because I was the opposite character to the ex (who was heavily drinking bold and loud eternal bad boy and party animal). It took time to let go the idea.

True!

You saying that we often feel the ick or cringe towards things that we used to be judged for really hit. I started crying so much. In pretty much all of my relationships i have absorbed myself into the other and completly lost myself. So when my partner does things that i used to be condemned for, of course its going to be unsafe! And most of that is them just being their silly weirdo self which is something ive been working really hard to come back to. I was bullied very heavily by not only children, but also adults when i was young so that makes so much sense. Ive always had 'cringe' towards people being their weird authentic selves and also a sense of envy for shuttinf that part of myself off. YOU ARE SO AMAZINGLY HELPFUL

Hi!! Your videos help me so much, this is definitely the most beneficial youtube channel i have ever come across. In my last relationship, i would come across this issue quite often and one of my bestfriends suggested i may have this attachment style. I didnt agree with her at the time, but now, i am entering a new relationship and running into this same issue. I shame myself for it so much and will get to points where ill convince myself i have to break up with them because they dont deserve this type of energy battle inside my mind. And then i have to remind myself that i chose this partner because i believe they can help me heal this. Ive never had such effortless communication with a romantic partner, EVER. They are healing many wounds as well, and i am able to describe the on and off feeling and they just understand and accept me for it. When i get bad in the crash state, i come back to your videos to learn more and remind myself i am not alone and that i can heal. I just so wish i didnt have this attachment style and that i was already healed. But the only way out is through, and i truly believe that my current partner is someone who is so good and so right for me at this time. I believe they feel the same. We are able to actually talk about it. I just feel bad most of the time that i cant stay consistent, but they understand completly. Then i feel like i dont deserve them lol. But they choose me at this time too. And i have to remind myself that that is such a beautiful thing and that i am so grateful for the opportunity to be with this amazing person at this time. Such a long comment but i just feel so seen here and need to release these emotions.

Thank you for all your insight. Is there any way I could work with you directly? I truly need help healing and therapists have no answer. It’s incredibly isolating

Hi, Paulien! I know you've spoken about how Hollywood loves portraying fearful avoidant relationships as the ideal. Would you know movies, shows, webtoons, etc. that portray and focus on healthy relationships? I feel like those of us who are healing and learning about healthy, secure relationships need modeling because a lot of us didn't have good models in childhood.

I’ve never experienced this until recently with a new guy I met. From your list I identified with 2 & 5. Number 5 is when things changed for me, the unwarranted criticism. He had told me about his medical issues and some were serious. When I told him I had arthritis and heartburn a his response was “you have a lot of medical issues”. That simple statement triggered my detachment and my wall came back up. I felt that he was trying to shame me and I could never be venerable with him so I had to end things. Thanks for the information

Thank you.🙏🏿

Wow! Thank you so much for this extreme clarity 😢 it means a lot to me❤

4th reason...you made me remember what my FA ex did...he used to test/sabotage (usually in the form of canceling plans he made) and after that immediately saying "I'll make it up to you"

32 yo and still healing from childhood abuse, never been in a relationship, all alone right now, guess I can say goodby to my wished own family 💔 my reason of living seems to be suffering and eventually healing from it ...💔💔

Thank you for this!❤

I was with my husband for 17 years. He was my first everything. Even after all those years, I didn't fully surrender. It's only now after he died that I'm sitting here truly grasping how much I couldn't be fully present and how I never got to experience his love fully. It makes me so sad to think I never will get that chance now. Honestly, part of me is almost glad I didn't because I might not be able to function otherwise. It has been so hard and the idea of it being even harder had I fully suffered is unfathomable. Again, so glad I found your videos because awareness of the issue will allow me to notice when I'm doing the thing and try to stop it.

Thank you for this! ❤ Also 07:13 You look like a princess with your hair updo😊

If I feel tension when knowing/ talking to a man, I take a step back, litteraly take physical space and don't want to have any type relationship...I need to feel a safety energy. But I relate to not being my real self, to adapt

Pretty optimistic, hard to achieve.

Thank you, very poignantly articulated.

I love your content Paulien! All of this hits close to home for me! Another way I think to describe my fear of connection is that I’m just terrified of leaning fully into the uncertainty of it all. Because we have experiences of pain, and being unseen, enmeshment, trauma etc… it seems like such a risk to lean in. Like being told to let yourself fall off a cliff. Surely we must check to make sure of the height, what’s at the bottom, if there’s something to catch us etc? Surely we have to make sure it’s “safe” before we can lean into connection. But paradoxically I am starting to think that’s actually what makes it feel unsafe.

💖💖

What you said here 7:41 rings true with what I've learned from Jesse Lee Peterson. You said if you can feel the full range of emotion, accept it and not try to fix it, then you will automatically be able to make deeper connections. Jesse (JLP) frames it differently but there are some parallels. What he says is: 1. All thoughts are all lies all the time about anything (except practical thoughts like steps to complete a task), meaning that you don't create thoughts, they come from the evil spirit that made a home inside you when you first became angry at your parents as a child. If you have not overcome it then you would be living in a fallen state. 2. To overcome that fallen state there are a couple things you need to do. First you need to Go And Forgive your parents. This entails recognizing that just as you are suffering and driven by evil, so were your parents and they did the best they could. You confront your parents about how they messed you up as a kid and then forgive them, because it wasn't them, it was the spirit of evil driving them. Usually the mother tries to turn the child away from the father, so you need to return to your father in order to be saved and lead by God instead of evil. 3. You need to stay present, not in the past or future and when thoughts and emotions intrude into your mind, you don't fight them or try to fix them, you just observe them and let them pass. All you do is watch them and eventually they will be taken away from you. Have you ever heard JLP? What he says sounds so similar to your advice, so I'm curious what you think of his explanation. He has a youtube channel and does a 3 hour show every weekday, "The Jesse Lee Peterson Show" Thanks Paulien!

Thank you soo so much for your videos! Watching you often calms me down a lot, you have such a warm aura. One thing I've been asking myself over and over again and can't quite seem to get over is whether it's just my fear brain coming up with all these negative things about my partner to protect myself by breaking connection, or if he maybe really isn't a fit for me. Can you help with that? Partially my thoughts get as bad as thinking he might only be using me and could be narcissistic. But I might be having quiet BPD and this could just be a form of me splitting on him. I feel so lost when I'm stuck in this chaos of not knowing if I should trust my thoughts, if they're trying to safe me from a real threat, or just an imagined one (in form of connection) and therefore I shouldn't trust them :( It's an emotionally volatile nightmare.

Dont get confused folks. Sometimes you do date assholes and your body is right about it. Leave and find peace. Dont leave good people. But do leave unhealthy fucks. Your attachment system is not always wrong.

can you please make a tapping video on fear of connection AND being stuck in self sabotage and freeze? thank you so much, god bless you.

Did you ever experience rage coming up while healing? and how did you handle that, because i am trying to scream and release it but i am not too sure if it is healthy?

I love you

Hi love, I truly appreciate your content. Can you make more of EFT tapping videos ? I’ve been tapping for anything and anytime when I feel I need to calm my nerve system.. but I have doubts back and forth and of course, when we get so close ( getting close to engagement ) my fear and doubt multiply. I want to be steady and confident about my decision… because I want to believe that’s good for me… my relationship ocd is activated and hard to tell if it’s coming from my true self or just fear… Also, my fear brain tries to control all the circumstances for me to feel 100 % safe or predictable.. I wanna let that go and go beyond of what I’m used to for my true happiness.. Thank you,

You're a life saver!!! I never thought I would finally find someone who can explain everything I felt and been through without making me feel ashamed or guilty. I already feel a little better after hearing your comforting words in your delicate voice. Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

How about addressing solutions to these issues rather than just explaining the issue over and over

Have you made a video on creating a sense of self? and if you haven't could you do it please?

I can be honest 100% of the time but what percentage of honesty can I expect back from a fearful avoidant that is still in denial and blaming others and has bent the truth 100 ways and claims some therapist told them "we all lie", practically normalizing it?

Women who have been texting you for 5 minutes and they aren't sure if it's worth going on a date so they endlessly test you by wasting your time to make sure you will put up with any amount of crap before they go on a date with you.

Oh my god... this resonates so much. Im gonna watch some times to really settle. You are the youtuber that fits the most with liberating my layers of emotional patterns. You are really attentive to details, really sensitive, you approach the right points in the cognition, and really did a huge and complex and multilayered job in healing yourself. Thank you for being yourself and having this will to help others. You really help organizing the mess inside. Thank you sooo much. Its funny how this is a reality in different countries. Like, im from Brazil. ❤️

Aww great video! For me I can see that 1 & 8 resonate with me the most in my life. 1. I definitely have had this one where I would try to control relationships going perfectly or just things in life and if one bad thing happens life is over so I am definitely going to try my hardest to work on that. 8. I recently just got a full-time job making salary for the first time right out of college and I am already telling myself I need to make more money or maybe this is wrong already making myself feel like I’m not doing good when I am. So, I truly want to heal from these things because it is definitely a thief of joy.

Once again, you have told my story exactly as I have experienced my relationships. Thank you so much for sharing your life, so that others can find healing.

If I were to share something I am ashamed of with somebody and that person would reply "Everybody has that" I think I would go nuts. Like, "What are you even saying? I am special!!" 😂 Now I'm laughing about it, but I remember being very offended like they weren't paying me enough attention or they couldn't understand me at all

I dont know what to make of this. Great info but when explaining EFT you sounded very unsure and hesitant about what you were saying. I noticed you were also dismissive of your own thoughts, almost even uncomfortable throughout the entire video

I have felt alone and so lonely since I was 7 years old. I’m almost 50 now, and you are the only person that I have ever heard tell my story. You exactly described me and what I have thought and felt for over 40 years. Thank you so very much for making these videos. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤ I have thought that I was alone, because I have never heard anyone describe what I think and feel, and your videos have given me hope that there is a solution, that I can find peace with myself and have intimacy in my relationships. Thank you.

thank you <3

ive absolutely experienced this, and it sucks!! <3

How can you describe me on point without even talking to me 😭😭😭